07/12/2005: Gem o'the Day: Bonus All-Star Game Edition
[From today's Billy Ball email, mildly edited (labels added for reading clarity).]
"We interrupt this programming for this special announcement - from NBC News headquarters in New York, here is Brian Williams."
"In what can only be described as peculiar and unusual, we are told that there will be an announcement tonight of major world consequence coming from the All-Star Game in Detroit.
We are told there will be two speakers and only the first has been identified; that would be the Commissioner of Baseball, Allan "Bud" Selig. For those of you not familiar with Mr. Selig, he is described as a "buffoon" by his detractors and a "spineless lackey" by his supporters. And now, the Commissioner..."
"Good evening and welcome to Comerica Park, home of the Detroit Tigers and home to this year's All-Star Classic. The All-Star Game will be just what the name promises -- a monument to people who play a game of unyielding skill with precision, power and grace. Tonight America and the world will see their favorites play the game the way it is meant to be played - drug free.
We know that because tonight, for the first time, as players are introduced, I have ordered them to pee in a bottle and the results of this instant test will be flashed onto that big scoreboard out in centerfield. If that doesn't satisfy those bastards in the US Senate I don't know what will because I refuse to spend another one of my Saturday afternoons washing their cars, watching their bratty kids, and walking their dogs.
But that isn't even the big news of the night. For that I proudly present the man who has graciously agreed to be my successor, the current president of the United States, George W. Bush."
"Thank you Bud, thank you America, and thank you unemployed citizens of Detroit. It is indeed an honor and a thrill for me to be here tonight.
You know baseball is part of the fabric that makes America great. On September 11, 2001 we were viciously attacked and on that date we had to postpone some games, but soon after, we resumed playing because nothing can stop America and nothing can stop baseball...you know what I mean?
Well, actually rain can stop baseball, but it doesn't stop America.
Tonight, I would like to comment on a few things. The first was September 11. The second is Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers who chose to attend the All-Star Game. In regards to that, I have three words to say: "Don't mess with Texas."
Next, I would like congratulate Bobby Ahbrahu of the Philadelphia Phillies who won last night's home run derby. His skill and power is what makes America great, even though he's from Venezuela...you know what I mean?
I would like to send Bobby Abbareyu to challenge any member of Al Qaeda to a home run hitting contest anytime, any where.
Now, I know you are wondering why I'm here tonight instead of addressing some other problems. Well, for one, I really like baseball. For another, I've never been to an All-Star Game and so far it's pretty cool...you know what I mean?
But, I'm also thinking about our fighting men and women who are watching this game on Armed Services Radio in Iraq. Get back to work! Heh-heh-heh. I think about Iraq. I think about Iraq every day and twice on Sunday. Heh-heh-heh.
That's part of the reason why I'm here. Commissioner Selig declared two years ago that the All-Star Game would "count". But nobody really seems to care who has home field advantage in the World Series.
And so, like I said to Laura the other night, I think it's time to try something new...you know what I mean? Heh-heh-heh.
So, here's what I propose - if the American League wins, I will start working on a plan to balance the budget, and if the National League wins, I will start working on a plan to withdraw our troops from Iraq. I can't tell you what will happen if the game ends in a tie, but here's a hint - 'Good morning, Tehran!'
Okay, it's time for the kick-off and I got to get my hot dog and my Bud...you know what I mean?
God bless America, God bless baseball, and God bless September 11.
Play ball...you know what I mean?"
"This has been an NBC Special Report. We now return you to your regular programming."
Len on 07.12.05 @ 02:00 PM CST