01/09/2006: From the "Too True To Be Funny" Department:
Daily Intuit Sunsets
In a stirring affirmation of the viability of its long-time business model, Intuit today announced it will move to daily sunsets of its Quicken personal financial software, meaning that those using Quicken for on-line banking will need to buy a new version of the program every day. "It is the logical extension of the sunsetting policy we have been developing over the last few years," said an Intuit spokesperson. "It will enable us to focus our development and support efforts on providing the best customer experience possible for one day. We believe our customers will happily renew every day, but, if not, of course all monies remaining in the non-renewed account will immediately become Intuit's property. After all, the sun itself sets every day, so why shouldn't our customer's licensing rights do so as well?"
AOL Makes Service Cancellations Easy
Under pressure from state prosecutors to make it easier for customers to cancel their service, AOL has announced a new Instant Termination plan. "We at AOL do understand that customers can grow tired of having their credit card billed monthly even years after they first tried to cancel," an AOL official said. "This new plan is guaranteed to eliminate those continuing charges. All you have to do now is make a one-time payment equal to what you would have paid over the next 24 months, and we'll let you go. Of course, we will have to keep your credit card on file just in case we hike our rates any time in the next two years."
Federal Government Outsourced to China
Based on the great success American companies have enjoyed in offshoring the entire IT profession, it was announced today that the U.S. government will be outsourced to China. "The savings and greater efficiencies that will be achieved in this fashion make this what you Americans would call a 'no-brainer,'" said a U.S. government spokesperson in Beijing. "By eliminating such wasteful expenditures of money as social security or the elections scheduled for later this year, the American government will be able to focus its resources on its primary mission of fighting terrorism. While this may cause some distress for the President, Cabinet, Congress and other federal workers who are losing their jobs, we are certain that with re-training they can find useful employment."
From: Six Predicted Gripes for 2006 by Ed Foster.
Len on 01.09.06 @ 01:10 PM CST