Dark Bilious Vapors

But how could I deny that I possess these hands and this body, and withal escape being classed with persons in a state of insanity, whose brains are so disordered and clouded by dark bilious vapors....
--Rene Descartes, Meditations on First Philosophy: Meditation I

Home » Archives » November 2005 » 'When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro'
--Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

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11/08/2005: 'When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro'
--Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

From The Official Vincent Gallo Merchandise Website:

Vincent Gallo's Sperm

$1 Million

Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization.
(A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful,
purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr.
Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful
fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by
Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm
chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of
$500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser,
Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for
the sperm itself. Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well
aware of Mr. Gallo's multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value
of Mr. Gallo's sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he
was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in
the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level
of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are
no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of
congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size
of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know
exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby,
but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of
hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are
sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly
featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those
of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny
Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of
integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to
any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue
eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the
mid-century will also receive this discount.Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a
Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion.
This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his
reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of
motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish
faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a
prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr.
Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find
another surname for the child.
As I am wont to say, further comment would be superfluous.

Though this part has me fascinated:
If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000.
If one is going to commit the offense of soliciting an act of prostitution, I would think one would want to do it in a more discreet manner than by just posting the solicitation on a website, which act can be picked up and broadcast to movie fans worldwide via the good offices of the Internet Movie Database.

Len on 11.08.05 @ 11:40 AM CST

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