Dark Bilious Vapors

But how could I deny that I possess these hands and this body, and withal escape being classed with persons in a state of insanity, whose brains are so disordered and clouded by dark bilious vapors....
--Rene Descartes, Meditations on First Philosophy: Meditation I

Home » Archives » November 2005 » The Burning Issues...

[« Happy birthday!] [From the "Too True To Be Funny" department... »]

11/02/2005: The Burning Issues...

I was taking Lauren to the Dr. on Monday [she has bronchitis. :-( ] and the TeeVee was on Oprah and this episode of "Why Do Men Go To Strip Clubs? And Other Burning Questions."

Of course, just after the intro for Rick Reilly, Jay Leno and Brian McKnight, we were called into our cubicle to await the Dr. visit and check up.

So, in case you missed this episode too, here are a few of Rick's answer to many of these "burning" issues from It's Just Men Being Men:

"...Why do men go to strip shows so much? a woman would bark. (My answer: "I only go once a year, to look at the new fall line of shoes.") Or Why don't men cuddle after sex? ("Much too hot.") And What do men think about after sex? ("Is Subway open this late?") Suffice it to say, my pancreas was living on borrowed time.

Q: Why can my husband discuss the Vikings for two hours but us for only two minutes?

A: Men like things simple. Black/white. Win/lose. But relationships are gray/slippery. Not once has a ref brought the two coaches together and said, "While it's true you won 49-0, I felt the way you treated him in the third quarter was a projection of your own insecurities, so, actually, you lose and he wins. Shower up."

Q: Why do baseball players touch their groins with the same frequency as Michael Jackson?

A: When Randy Johnson's 97-mph fastball is about to be hurled at you, you tend to check and secure your valuables.

Q: Why did my husband cry when the Red Sox won the Series but not at our wedding?

A: If you had turned him down for 86 years, he might have.

Q: Do men consider belching a sport?

A: Yes.

Q: What's the deal with men and the remote?

A: See, when we were boys, we had popguns, dart guns, BB guns. Now most of us only have the remote. It feels good in our hands. We're not switching channels to see what else is on, we're shooting the thing that is on. Bang. You're dead. Next victim.

Q: Why do men wear jerseys to the game? Do these nimrods think the coach will suddenly put 135-pound accountants in?

Q: My boyfriend is constantly saying, "Hold on, Honey, only a minute left in the game." Twenty minutes later it's still on. How fricking long is a sports minute?

A: An NFL minute is 17.3 minutes in real time. An NBA minute is 43.8. Neither of these, though, is as long as the "I-only-need-a-minute-to-fix-my-hair" minute. When men hear that, we take our coats off and finish doing the taxes.

Q: Why must our infant son wear eye black during Eagles games?

A: Most men don't fight wars anymore. But there's something embedded deep within our cerebral cortex that still drives us to storm castles, wear ridiculous paint and chant lustily. O.K., so now it's White Castles and eye black and J-E-T-S! But you get the idea.

Q: What is my husband thinking when he takes his sand wedge to bed with us?

A: He's thinking, What if there's a fire in the garage?


Q: When is my husband's high-school linebacker teammate, Hurl, ever going to get off our couch? It's been two months!

A: A: You don't understand. They're Walla Walla High Fighting Panthers. They vowed to never, ever give up on each other. And aren't you glad he's big on vows?

Q: Will the trash take itself out?

A: Babe, there's only a minute left in the game. "

Just in case ya was wondering...


Karen on 11.02.05 @ 11:39 AM CST

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