Dark Bilious Vapors

But how could I deny that I possess these hands and this body, and withal escape being classed with persons in a state of insanity, whose brains are so disordered and clouded by dark bilious vapors....
--Rene Descartes, Meditations on First Philosophy: Meditation I

Home » Archives » February 2005 » The Ways and Means of February

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02/28/2005: The Ways and Means of February

Since I am one of the Secretaries of the Ways and Means* Committee... I get advanced copies of these special reports.

{*Ways and Means is not to be confused with the Means and Ways folks who are soooo Means and use their wily Ways to promote Anarchy, Social Straight-Jackets and other Un-American things.}

Despite the Vicious Rumors by Puxatawny Phil of Six More Weeks of Winter --- and our suspicions this is another case of a journalist on the Government Propaganda Payroll --- the Committee members over at Ways and Means finally made it in for their February meeting and posted their Minutes of the Meeting:

Madam Chairperson: The February 2005 Meeting of The Ways & Means Committee is called to order. -gavel-
MC: Is Roberts Rules present?
Committee Of The Hole: Robert has been unable to attend, Madam Chair.
MC: Really, Bob's Never missed a meeting yet…what gives?
COTH: He's been dismembered by those rules-breaking Meanies…as we feared. But we shall enforce the rules as necessary. All in favor say "eye."
Committee: EYE!
MC: First on our agenda: February Biziness. Has everyone made it back from the Love Won Out™ event? Sheesh..these chastity belts do give ya a wedgie...{Tug and Adjust}
COTH: Well, we lost Maya Keyes at the Love Won Out™ Festival. She took a hard Left-Turn and ended up at a Pro-Gay rally instead. Sen. Keyes and his wife were given emergency resuscitation measures at hearing of this defection. It's all copasetic now. Not to Worry.
MC: Thank you COTH. On to February Biziness. Continue with the Report…
COTH: Thank you Madam Chair. This month Ways and Means is proud to continue with our efforts in these areas:
Ways to stop unauthorized cloning of pets and Ann Coulter. {One of her is more than enough for any Democracy.}
Ways to prevent Bill Frist from using Taser-Stun Guns on those Cats he is Herding in Congress. {Ouch!}
Ways to improve the Signage at the outer reached of Pluto and Charon…too many Vector and Black Hole collisions were reported there this month alone.
Ways to prevent hotmilitarystud™ wanting to meetlocalmen™ from so easily getting to be face2face™ with the Commander in Chief™. {a.k.a. Jeff Gannon.}
Ways to honor those The Invisible Men of Honor {with posters, websites and study guides, and presentation of awards to U.S. Army veterans and the National Buffalo Soldiers.} Once we can find them that is…they are after all, Invisible.

MC: Thank you Committee Of The Hole. Next the Committee Of The ˝:
COT1˝: Exciting developments to report Madam Chair. We plan to join Jose Canseco's search for more "Road Beef" to prevent those opening baseball season "Slump Busters" by keying in on every baseball players' superstitions. We will provide a helping hand to those Players who are struggling…by getting them "the ugliest girl we can find for them to have sex with."
MC: Do tell…
COT˝: Mr. Canseco nobly points out in book, "Juiced", that while he never stooped to this tactic… "I'd rather go 0-for-40," he protested. But he tattled that many of his fellow athletes did seek out "slump busters."
MC: Facinating…I can't wait to read his book.
COT˝: Mr. Canseco said that Golden Boy, Mark Grace, the former Chicago Cubs first baseman, who seems like the kind of nice guy and good sport you'd want to bring home to mom, defined a slump buster as making out with the "fattest, gnarliest chick you can uncover."
MC: WOW! Should we really be contributing to this service?
COT˝: Anything for Baseball.
Committee: (Hip-Hip hooray!!)
MC: Thank you for that report Committee Of The ˝. That concludes our meeting. I make a motion to adjourn.
COTH: I second the motion.
MC: All in favor say "eye."
Committee: EYE!
MC: Meeting adjourned. -gavel-

Karen on 02.28.05 @ 05:37 AM CST

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February 2005

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