Dark Bilious Vapors

Pete over at a perfectly cromulent blog weighs in on the recent attempts to try to bring pressure on filmmakers to not depict smoking in films. Quoth Pete:

I find my health and well-being irreparably harmed by romantic comedies starring Julia Roberts, classic film remakes, and so-called "horror" movies directed by Kevin Williamson. Where's my lobby?

...

And if smoking is enough to garner a film an 'R' rating, what about movies showing fat people? Obesity's going to pass up smoking as the #1 killer of Americans in the next few years, after all, should someone shown binging on Häagen Dazs elicit censure? What about a kid eating a bowl of Froot Loops?

As long as we're devolving into a nation of people incapable of thinking for themselves or making informed decisions about their entertainment choices, here are some things I'd like to see earn a film an 'R' rating:

- CGI babies or domesticated animals
- Jar Jar Binks
- Ashton Kutcher
- Climactic scenes in romantic comedies where the hero/heroine has to race to be with their beloved after previously deciding the relationship was not to be, usually to the strains of some 1960s song
- Eddie Murphy in a classic comedy remake/Disney theme-ride film/anything
- "Bullet time"
- The "twist" ending. On a related note, a ten-year moratorium should be imposed on the films of M. Night Shymalan.
- Woody Allen/Sean Connery/Jack Nicholson paired up with a leading lady forty years younger
- Action stars firing two handguns accurately
- Anytime the central character is prominently attached to a certain product (e.g. E.T.'s Reeses Pieces, James Bond's BMW Z3, or the entirety of the film Josie and the Pussycats)

That should keep everyone occupied until all that's left to us are the Left Behind and Veggie Tales franchises.

Len on 05.11.04 @ 08:29 PM CST