Dark Bilious Vapors

But how could I deny that I possess these hands and this body, and withal escape being classed with persons in a state of insanity, whose brains are so disordered and clouded by dark bilious vapors....
--Rene Descartes, Meditations on First Philosophy: Meditation I

Home » Archives » January 2005 » Tribute to fafbloggerie: January 2005 Meeting of the Ways & Means Committee

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01/29/2005: Tribute to fafbloggerie: January 2005 Meeting of the Ways & Means Committee

I’ve created this tribute to fafblog. While I don’t think I’m seriously as creatively-insane as they are, it helps to have a wicked head-cold and feel at least insanely-creative:

Battling snowstorms, insurgencies, mudslides, tsunamis and even Mt. Everest (who decided to jump in on the act with a spectacular avalanche)…the Committee Members over at Ways and Means* finally made it in for their January Session.

*Ways and Means is not to be confused with the Means and Ways folks who are sooo Means. (How Means are they... you ask? They are sooo means they use their fabulously wealthy means, ways and powers to lie to young school children in their abstinence-only programs {but I wouldn’t know personally of this…since I never practice abstinence myself}; they are sooo means they want to cut your ‘ole Grannies soc. sec. check by 40% {she swears this is the last year she spends her entire check on Means & Ways Birthday present}; they are sooo means {and stingy} they start a war without the monies or troopsies to ensure the peaces: they are sooo means they want to dehydrate SpongeBob…anyway, you get the picture…)

Ways & Means just posted their Minutes of the Meeting for January 29, 2005:

Madam Chairperson: The January 2005 Meeting of The Ways & Means Committee is called to order. –gavel-

MC: Is Roberts Rules present?

Roberts Rules: Present and accounted for, Madam Chair.

MC: All right then, Roberts, you shall enforce the rules as necessary. All in favor say “eye.”

Committee: EYE!

MC: First on our agenda: Ye Ole Business…who’s got the report on Ye Ole Business?

Hoping For Change: I do Madam Chair.

MC: Is that you Hope? I thought you lost your seat in the last election.

HFC: I did, Madam Chair…this will be my last report.

MC: Sorry to hear that (*sigh*)…Please proceed, Hope.

HFC: 2004’s major accomplishments include these findings:

Ways to deep fat fry a Thanksgiving turkey without the need to phone the fire dept;
Ways to make Lego(TM) copies of M.C. Escher drawings;
Ways to clothe the unclothed…starting with Janet Jackson’s right nipple and Mickey Roony’s posterior;
Ways to pick up my laundry on Tuesday…wait that doesn’t belong in here…sorry, my apologies;
Finding it was WAY too hard to learn to windsurf…but it made for a cute Means commercial.
Finally, we missed the Ways to make G.W.B. flag stands out of feces…the wily Germans beat us to it.

MC: Thank you Hope. We’ll miss you. See you in four more years. (*hip-hip-hooray!!*) Next order of business: Report from the Committee Of The Hole.

COTH: Thank you Madam Chair. This year Ways and Means is proud to continue with our efforts in these areas:

Ways to get stem-cell research to cure the sick.
Ways to balance the budget…yet again (*applause*) without cutting Grannies check {I want my Birthday Present too};
Ways to regain our respect from the world {Or at least hope we can still be respected in the morning};
Ways to feed the poor and provide healthcare to all more unfortunate than us Ways & Means members {who get our healthcare free from the government};
Ways to find a 2008 Ways candidate who can truly kick some Meanie butt;
In conclusion, We regret to inform you we weren’t able to stop the promotion of Dr. Rice…but we tried mightily with impassioned speechifying and pleas against torturers. We lost by 15 Ways against 85 Meanies....but there's always the Gonzales' vote up next.

MC: Thank you Committee Of The Hole. Next the Committee Of The ½:

COT1½: Exciting developments to report Madam Chair. We plan to attend the Love Won Out festival of hetero-ogemouness in February. We have been leaked this “flash news,” the hottest ticket to the event will be the Alan Keyes “Selfish Hedonist Make Over Booth.”

MC: Do tell…

COT½: Rev. Keyes will have the much coveted “freebie giveaways” of the event.

MC: Oh…I can’t wait…

COT½: Yes, our secret, anonymous source tells there will be chastity belts engraved with Love Won Out across the front (and only a single, non-copiable, Master key given to each Duenna) for the gals; and a codpiece made of the most durable flak-jacket material that could stop the force of a Rocket Propelled Grenade Launchers for the guys.

MC: WOW! Why would anyone want or need that?

COT½: Just in case an Ex-partner, despondent and deranged by your “turning straight,” might be determined to shoot off your privy member…Well…that ought to teach him a lesson about not exercising gun control. (*hip-hip hooray!!*)

MC: Thank you for that report Committee Of The ½. That concludes our meeting. I make a motion to adjourn.

Roberts Rules: I second the motion.

MC: All in favor say “eye.”

Committee: EYE!

MC: Meeting adjourned. –gavel-

Karen on 01.29.05 @ 11:37 AM CST


Replies: 1 comment

on Saturday, January 29th, 2005 at 1:17 PM CST, Len Cleavelin said

Been hittin' the NyQuil, I see.....

"I like a cold, because I get to do my favorite drug, which is NyQuil.... NyQuil's got the best thing I've ever read on a medicine package: 180 proof. It's the moonshine of medicine... Y'see, when I have a cold I want something that's gonna f*ck me up, because that way the blur looks interesting."
--Lewis Black

January 2005

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